Bipolar!

I am a major bipolar person whom also has OCD and ADHD, which if I only had one thing I think it would my world a lot easier. But I have all three and days like today it really makes it so hard. I have this world in my mind in which everything is always perfect! In my mind my house should always be clean and everything in it spot. My clothes always wash, dry, and put up in there place. I would not be so in debt that I lose my mind every month. I would have a job in which I would make a lot money and be able to still have all the time in the world to do what I wanted when I wanted. But the real world in which I live is nothing like that. My house is always in need of being clean and it seems the more I do the more it needs it. The clothes are always dirty, and after last month they are really back up. Our dryer went out last month and we had to get a new one. We did go to my mom's and do to some clothes but once we made up our mind to go get a new set we did not go wash any more so when we got the new set there were about a month of clothes on the floor. My dishes are always needing to be wash and I HATE washing them they end up sitting there longer then I would like. I am in debt up to my head! Which makes me go nuts every month when trying to put together our budget for the month. I we have not play room in our budget which kills me when there is something I would like do to with Dakota or for our self. I hate when I go somewhere and I watch everyone else with money be able to do what I wish I could. When I do I end up crying later. And I think that only makes it harder  because then I feel so stupid for crying our something that is my fault. I want to do something with my life in which I would make more money but I don't know what that something is. I have all kind of ideas but I don't know which one to do for a career.
While all of those things look bad if I could get over this perfect world in my head I could see that the world I live in is perfect. I would see that I have a happy and healthy baby girl. She has a daddy who loves her more than anything and I have a husband whom loves me every day. I would also see that the house that always needs to be clean means that we have the time to play with our baby girl and that we have the things to have a mess house. That the dishes mean that we have food to eat. The clothes all over the floor mean that we have more then enough clothes to wear even when you can't see the kitchen floor. The fact that we are in debt that makes me go nuts every month means that we are living and while I am going nuts we do make the money to pay our bills. The jobs we have do not make a lot of money but we have jobs which makes us lucky because there are so many people whom would love to have my perfect life. While I don't know what I want to do for a career I do have dreams which will keep me moving to reach them.
I wish I could remember this every time the real world was not as perfect as the one in my head. I hate have so many issues and I wish my baby girl did not have to put up with them. I know that they are easy for her to deal with. I wish I could just shut off the "perfect" world and just think about the here and now. I think to help me remember all the perfect things in my real world I am going to make a list and put them in a frame so that I can see it everyday and remember the real world is better then the one in my head.

Day 5

Day 5 picture:

I did not take this picture, my sister did! I love having and taking pictures of my little girl. She is only two and I do believe she has more pictures of herself then any other child. She loves getting dress up to have her pictures taking. She does have day where she will ask mommy to stop. The other day she pulled her hat over her face so I could not take any more. I am just glad today she was willing to let us take them!

Our new puppy Maggie. She is in love because she can pick her up!

I did take this one. She was putting some chip stick on.

Day 2,3,4

Well, like I always do I have gotten behind once again; so here are pictures from day 2, day 3, and day 4.

Day 2

This is a picture from the Lazy 5 ranch in NC. It is a reindeer. It is not that clear but I think the way it turned out is so great. I don't know if I could get it to turn out like this again if I wanted to. We went to the ranch with family and some new friends. We had so much fun! It was a great fall day, the sun was shining but not to hot that you was thinking I am going to die if  I don't get inside. We got to see a lot of animals and touch some that we would not having ever dream of touching in our life time. It was a great day!

Day 3

This is  my baby girl "cheesing" on our great NC fall days! She had her great hat and fall clothes that we have been wanting a month to put back on. We love the fall here in NC, all the great colors, lots of blankets, and hot coco!

Day 4

My sister came and stayed tonight and we did lots and lots of crafts. We made her a tutu for Halloween! We made some legges, and some jewelry! We have never made jewelry before and it was lots of fun!

Simple is good.

Simple is good. - Jim Henson.

I have started my pictures for my 31 days! YAY!

This is love! My baby girl wearing her monkey shirt; when she wants to wear it she make the sound that a monkey. Her legs that I made for her and some sock that we had that matched just right, and the great Once upon a child find, the hat! The face is a mix of her cheese face and the you are not going to get this picture face! I am in love with this girl. So once picture down 30 more to go.

Well, there has been somethings going on in my life the last few days that have really had me thinking about some many things. First on Friday I had a normal healthy man die in my arms. I don't mean he was sick or had been for awhile. This man was healthy for a men his age (60+) and had came to the nursing home to regain his strong and go home. Minutes before this happened we were talking about him going home for the holidays and his family, then the next he was gone. I just hear what we were saying in my head. How do you go on knowing that you were the last one to ever hear this person talk?  How do you get those "last" words out of your head? I had never had this happened so once this all started I had the worst panic attack. But once it was over I was like super women running down the hall hoping that we could save this man and that he would be home for the holidays.
It made all that was so wrong in my life at moment seem so small. While I still have bills that have to be paid and that I still don't know how it will all work out but I know that it will. I know that it always works out! I am also trying to let the small bad thing go and let the small big thing shine.
Today, my family went to the Lazy 5 Ranch in NC. We had so much fun and saw so many things. I did take lots of pictures but have not load them let, so once I do I will share.
So here is my thought for today....
Simple is good! So I am going for the simple in life. Maybe if I keep it simple the rest will just fall into place!



Nothing done!

Well, in my last post I said that I was going to be writing 20 letters and taking 31 pictures; well guess what I have not even started. As for the same about my diet and starting to lose weight. If I put more time into starting and finishing something as I do not doing; I bet I would have 20 great letters and 31 great pictures, I may even be down a few more pants sizes. I am bad  at getting started, finishing is not hard once I start it is like the chips saying "once your pop you can't stop" and I can't. I had the idea to make tutus for about a month before going out and getting the stuff. Then when I did I went wild, I love making them and see the eyes of the people I have made them for. Now if I could just get it in my head to start everything else. I AM GOING TO TAKE THE PICTURES IN OCT, since it does have 31 days. I say it in all caps hoping it will make me do it. I have not started the letter out of fear, the fear of how they will make me feel and what will come out. While I have been thinking about whom I would write to and what I would say I don't know if I can over come the fear. I guess I just need to get off my back side and do it. I do believe it will make a difference in a large part of my life and some of the things I hold in and still get upset about. I think that is what I fear if I do write it all down and get it out when something happens whom can I get mad at? No one but myself, which really is the only one I can get mad at now for letting it all still get to me and let it in pack my life now. I do think I need to let it all go and move on for myself and my family.
Well, onto better news. Our family has a new puppy which we are in love with. Her name is Maggie.
I will post a picture later, I don't have any good on my computer right now. She is a small dog weighting in at 3 lbs and my baby girl loves that because she can walk and hold her.
Well, here is until next post, hopefully I will have started on something!

20 letters/ 31 pictures!

I found this idea on another blog by: Living our love song. I have done a lot of internal growing while reading many blog and this blog is one that really had me with the first post. She blogs about two ideas one is to take 31 pictures in 31 days of anything that you with like and to talk about it. I will also be doing that. The second one is to 20 letters in 20 days. I hope I can get it done in 20 days. I am (thinking) of blogging each letter, but we will see how I feel about it after each letter. Here are whom you are to write a letter to:

1. A stranger
2. Your spouse, or your future spouse - even if you've never met them
3. Your child(ren) or future child
4. Your first love or crush
5. One to each of your parents
6. Someone in your life who has caused a lot of pain during your childhood
7. Your sibling(s)
8. Someone you've hurt
9. Someone you don't understand
10. Someone deceased
11. The person you'd want to take care of your children if you & your spouse are no longer alive
12. Your best girlfriend
13. Your dreams
14. Someone you don't talk to as much as you'd like
15. Your 13-year-old self
16. The person you miss the most
17. Someone you know who's going through the worst of times
18. Someone that caused someone you love (not you) a lot of pain when they were a child
19. Someone that changed your life
20. Your reflection in the mirror

I think this is going to be good and hard. I am afraid I will get a little mean. Pray that I don't get to mean and hurt anyone feelings.

Why don't you join in the "fun" of either one. If you don't have a blog put the pictures on your facebook.

Welcome September!

It is finally September, and I am so glad. I met this month is my arm's wide open. It is only a few days in but I can already to see what this fall has for me to do. I am in the beginning of planning a Halloween party, which I can't wait to see all the fun we will have. I had a yard sale with my sister-in-law's which is not my favorite thing to do. I also have had two photo shoot with my little girl. One at the park and one that my mom's house with my niece and nephew. This is a few from the first one.

A few from the second one.

My niece Scarlet.

My nephew Lee.

I will share more in a few days. Now when I started this blog I had no thought of using to help me gain control over my life, but I am in much need to lose some weight and have been pulling it off. So, I do believe I will start blogging about how it is going in hopes that it will keep me going, and since in my mind someone out there is reading this someone will be cheering me on. We will see how it goes. So to start I am at 211 lbs and want to get to about 145 lbs I have not set a time to at that size because I feel that if I come to that time and have met my goal it will only make me mad and I will give up. While I don't want to still be talking about it in two years but I will start working at it and see how long it takes. Thanks.

Moatloaf!

I have never been or ever said to be Susie homemaker, I have very little cooking skills or any other skills a house wife would need. I guess that why I have never wanted to be a house wife. But, today after going to the book store with my baby girl, two sisters, and my niece and nephew I had this great meal planned in my head. I was going to make a meatloaf, some fried potatoes and corn on the cob. I have never made fried potatoes or corn on the cob before so I asked my dad how to make the potatoes and set home to make this meal. I did everything! I started with the potatoes:

I cleaned them!

I skined them!

I cut them!

And I cooked them! With only one phone call to my dad to make sure I was still doing it right.

Then I made the meatloaf:

And since I was the only one eating at that time due the fact that my husband was helping a co-worker after work and this is what my loving daugther looked like that the time

.

So I went outside to eat my food, trying to getting the very last drops of summer that we have left. It was nice there is was no noice except the birds and grasshopers. And the view I had was nice but while sitting there taking all of this in I was secretly thinking I can't wait for fall or this would be nice if this was the ocean! This is what I was looking at.

I cannot wait for the leaves to start changeing colors!

I am making it a point to make sure I enjoy ever minture I can with my baby girl because I know it will not be this way long. I am making it a point to do something fun with her when I have day off because while I love working in the nursing home I do not get many days were it is just us girls! And I am also making it a point to take time to see all the great things around me, there have been to many time laterly that I have wraped up in all the bad. While yes there is bad the good are so much better and will keep beening that way as long as I let them be. So with this I end hoping that all of you have had a great weekend. Enjoy the week coming up and Good Luck to all who are starting a new school year this week!

"Don't ask yourself what the world needs; ask yourself what makes you come alive.

And then go and do that. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive."
- Howard Thurman

Most days when I came home from work if I was to see this face; we would be make a trip to the bath early but not this day. I was happy to see this face when I came home yesterday. Just 24 hours before this face I saw this face:

The day started out with the promise of going to see Aunt Tiffany's new apt. at school. Dakota was so happy. I had a very cute purple outfit pick out with matching sock and shoes. Has I was putting this carefully picked out Dakota told me that she did not like the outfit and want the SWEATER with the frog on it. I carefully told her that it was to hot outside to be wearing a sweater and went and found the frog t-shirt. That shirt was not good enough. She wanted the pick princess sweater with the frog on it. Well, we wear the pink sweater with the frog on it but I made it more summer time appropriated. We then left to go to my mom's so that we could go to Aunt Tiffany's new place. Well, once we got there my little one got sick every where. The saddest part was that she was more upset with having to take the frog sweater off so it could be washed. We then watched as my mom, sisters, nephew, and niece leave to go see Aunt Tiffany's place. Dakota and I then came home to a house whom key I had sent with my mom because drove my van and I did not think about the fact that if I wanted to go home I need the house key. Once home I open the window that goes to my daughter's room and put my sick baby on her bed. We were home, where she had wanted to be. We started taking medice every 4 hours. She slept all day. So when I came home and saw the face a sweet baby girl who had been outside playing in the sandbox I was over joyed. Dakota has not ever really been sick so when she gets real sick I feel bad for her.

Happy to have my heathly baby girl back!

Autumn Season!

As we come to the middle of August this makes me happy! While I have a great summer, I am so ready for the seasons coming up. I love the autumn and winter season for so many reason. But this year I do believe they will be my all time favorite. We have not had the joy of buying a house yet so we rent a cute little house in our community. The house we rent has been rent or owned by family members of my husband for years now. While there is not much I done to make the house feel like home, to me, I have been thinking about all the great things coming. I have been thinking about the autumn and winter decor I will bring to my house. I can't wait for my daughter to have our "first" family holidays. I know she is two and has two of all the holidays but this will be the first time our family will be in a house were we are doing everything together. I know that I want all kinds of things like some happy fall signs, some pumpkins around, the smells of autumn, and some scarecrows! I can't wait! I want to get some hay, fall flowers, a pumpkin, and some kind of yard art together and take Dakota's pictures. My husband always tells me "he dose not know why I have a Carma like the pros but still want to pay for our pictures". While in the past I did not agree with that idea I do believe I can do it and do a good job. The pictures we had "made" on the beach were with my Carma and I set it up and just told my grandma to push the sliver button.  They have been some of the best pictures we have had made and can't wait to make the craft I have come up with for my bathroom with that picture!
I am ready for all the great things the season coming up will bring with them.

ME!

I have been looking at blogs over the past few weeks now and they all looked so great that I was beginning to think that this looks fun and a great way to get what is on my mind out. So I am going to try this, we will see how it goes from here.

Well, I guess I should just start, that is the best way I do believe!
I have a great life, while it does not go the way I had always planned or dreamed it is much better (for the most part). I have my heart and soul living in the same house as I do. My heart is my husband, for so far, two years. My soul is my daughter.

Topsail Island August 2010.

















My husband and I met while in high school. I don't mean we met while freshman in high school and knew each other all through school, we met the last few weeks of our senior year of school. We started dating a few months after we finished school in 2005. We were married on August 9, 2008. We had a great wedding, nothing to big. Most of everything was made for us by our parents. We have a great family whom loved helping us in our big day.

My baby girl Dakota was born April 3, 2008. That is the day my soul left my body and began to live on the outside. She was everything I had hope for and more. I never knew I could love someone has much as I loved her at that moment. She was a beautiful baby whom looked just like her daddy and had the prettiest orange tan. Which we learned a few days later was kinda a big deal.

 


April 4, 2008.
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
We love doing things as a family and have had some great fun.
 

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
This is our life it is not always perfect but it is always beautiful!